This has been a long time coming. I have not written since the beginning of summer. I have wanted to write but I did not know what about. Now I realize it was because I wasn’t really sure of anything. I have been in limbo for a long time, until this evening.
Back story: Two things have been on my mind for a long time now, ever since the middle of summer. One of them has been the Be Satisfied Prayer of St. Anthony of Padua. This prayer has taught me a lot about having a relationship with Christ before a relationship with others. Below are the parts of the prayer that sticks out the most to me.
The second quote that has been on my mind a lot is this from this random movie called The English Patient. This may not be perfectly right but it went a little something like this- a man’s friend asks him how his wife came to fall in love with him and the response was…
“She was always crying on my shoulder about her other loves. And then finally she learned to fall in love with my shoulder.”
You may call me sappy because I love things like this, but I call myself a hopeFUL romantic and think it’s possible to find a love like this one day with God and with a man.
Changing gears- This semester has been a difficult one. I have been doing a lot of personal growth and I have been trying to learn as much as I can from the people around me. However, finding answers and feeling fulfilled has not really been a result.
But tonight at Mass, that changed a little bit. Mass was so great and it hasn't been great in a while. My prayer was everywhere- about the future, about the now, about my insecurities, about boys, about my inadequacies, about my blessings, and my joys. One of those fleeting thoughts was about how I love the Be Satisfied Prayer especially the lines I mentioned above. But want to know what…? I have very rarely been looking up while at mass. I am so focused on trying to get into prayer that I am not looking at the most tangible thing in the whole room, the Crucifix.
I looked up for a moment then looked back down and skipped to the second quote- the one about the crying shoulder. I thought about my frustrations with the different shoulders in my life. I repeated that quote in my head as I looked back up to refocus. I looked up at the Crucifix. I was complaining to Christ. I was crying on His shoulder in that moment.... then it hit me. I keep going to cry on Christ’s shoulder but I have not been recognizing why. I have just been thinking it’s enough that I go to Him when in reality it’s because I have been in love with Him all along. After that moment I was completely romanced and in love all over again with the sacrifice and awesomeness of Christ.
Maybe this is me being a hopeFUL romantic in prayer. Maybe this is me praying that this lesson will bear fruit in all of my interactions with others. Or maybe this is me just wanting to sing to the rooftops about what it is like to fall in love… via blog post. Maybe I am writing this so I don’t forget that it happened. Or maybe the message of Saint Anthony’s prayer is not just being thought about but is being lived out. Or maybe I’m trying to convince you that we need to stop looking around us so desperately to fall in love when the other option is to look up.
Peace and blessings.
Your Nug,
Shannon
